Dating is tough - the nerves, the outfit selection, the small talk, the nervous drinking and over-sharing, and that constant peek at the bill like a trained ninja.
There comes a time in everyone’s life when you find yourself on a date so unbelievably awkward that you legitimately wish something terrible would happen just to put you out of your misery.
You know what I’m talking about - that on-edge feeling that makes you wish the ground would just open up and swallow you whole.
Well, I had one of those dreaded encounters over Christmas.
I’m still trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. Maybe I was really nervous, or I might just have been constantly distracted by the heated BBI debate unfolding a table across from us - a strange setting for such a winding conversation. But most plausible, maybe I should have realised from the moment she turned up in a flaming orange mohawk, that the night was going to be lit.
Anyway, I had no clue at the time and this set me up perfectly for a truly eventful Christmas Eve.
Well, at least my embarrassing experiences can be laughed about later and make for really entertaining dinner-party fodder.
So, we met up at one of those fancy cafes that butter you up with fancy wet and warm towels, before slicing you open with a bill that could feed your entire village,
But hey, Jesus' birthday was just around the corner, this was no time to be stingy.
I had planned my budget to a T and even left some extra cash just in case it went really well and she asked that we take a windy walk at the park - those vendors of the nifty Christmasy treats who lock you down as a customer the moment you make eye contact, weren’t going to pay themselves now, were they?
Anyway, back to the date.
To say I came off really awkwardly would be a major understatement.
I kept complimenting her looks and winking at her (oh my God, why did I think that was smooth?) while she tried to make real conversation.
Things took an awkward turn after we were done with our meal - which I must say was extremely delicious.
I took one of those ninja peeks at the bill while she was distracted by a buzzing sound from her phone and my heart found its way to my feet.
Yes, I had cash on me. However, what they were asking for could fund two dams in Arror - or at least that’s what it looked like in my head at the time.
I quickly started picturing my phone’s contact list in my head.
Would Kev come through for me on the 11th hour? Nope. Kev was on safari with his fiancée and the ‘Unaeza niokelea kiasi nimekwama mahali?’ text message would be a burden especially during the festive period.
Would she be cool if I dashed to the bank - wait, its way past 7 p.m., unless I had a bank of my own, an over-the-counter withdrawal was as likely as a Ruto-Raila alliance in the 2022 elections.
I had only one card to play and however embarrassing it was, I simply had to ask her.
As it turns out, she was way ahead of me, having noticed the beads of sweat that had formed on my elaborate forehead.
“It's okay, I’ve got this,” she said as she swiftly whipped out her Co-operative Bank VISA card and gestured at the waiter.
What made the situation even worse was that the bank I so desperately wanted to get to for a bailout was the very bank she was using to pay our bill.
The waiter, who the whole time had apparently been gleefully watching the fidgety me, gave me the disapproving look that would make a toddler retrace their steps from an embarrassing impulse at a family gathering as she ran the card.
Remember the point where I wished the ground would swallow me whole? This was it, this was definitely it.
Funny thing is, she actually called me up later on and asked if we could do this again on New Year’s Eve!
I must have done something right. Maybe it was my elaborate forehead….who knows…
But one thing is for certain, I need me one of those cards.
