Kenyan familiy set ups have changed over the years from communal arrangements to more private and self contained households.
These changes have given familes much needed relief of having to put up with toxic members of the extended family.
Many times that aggression is meted on women who have been married into the family and are deemed as outsiders, but men have also been affected.
In this article, Kenyans.co.ke explored some of the worst experiences as shared by our readers.
Jackson* (Not his real name) regretted that his mother-in-law forced his wife to go for an abortion just to prevent her from having a baby with him.
"I remember my first wife's mother was the worst. Came to live with us, just sitting on the couch backseat driving the marriage.
"She just ate and used up electricuty tokens. She also made my then-wife get an abortion at six months because I was not getting as much money as the suitors she wanted for her daughter. God is good, I moved on and now I have the best in laws," he shared.
Mary* expressed frustration that her in-laws would always put their needs above hers and disrespect their own son.
"They treat my husband like their driver and errand boy. All they do is gossip and alienate me. When I walk into the room they stop talking. They are very secretive about their life yet want to know everything and expect updates from me about my life. My job, my friends, my health and my family. God is watching," she lamented.
Elizabeth*'s stress came in the form of her sister in law who made her never want to visit the family again. She added that karma would soon teach her sister-in-law a lesson because she too would get married into another family.
For Jacob* the loss of income in March over the Covid-19 pandemic exposed him to the hidden personalities of his wife's family.
"They kept my son away from me since March. I can't even speak to him over the phone because I lost my Job during the pandemic. They are telling him his father is dead," he shared.
When Maria* gave birth to her first child, her mother-in-law told her that her husband's sister would come to help her raise the child.
"I ended up being their slave. Imagine I wash clothes for my husband, our baby and my sister-in-law as well!" she recalls.
Boundaries
According to Caroline Kinuthia, a marriage councellor, it is important to establish boundaries at the start of any relationship and sharing them with your spouse.
She stated that it was important to discuss the predicaments with your spouse.
Chances are, your spouse is aware of the tension, without your having to mention a word about it. Discuss your position and how disappointed you are that these people don’t show you the respect you deserve.
"Your spouse may not understand, and you may not come to a total agreement. But it’s important for the two of you to display a united front when you are around the in-laws.
"Have a calm discussion with your spouse about how to handle this, be willing to compromise, and honour your end of the deal," she advised.
The counsellor adds that at all costs, it is important to refrain from talking back because it only aggravates the situation.
"When your mother-in-law criticises the way you clean house or prepare a recipe, simply smile and ask her to share her methods and recipes.
"If your father-in-law makes a negative remark about your career, resist the urge to defend your life’s calling. Maybe you can ask about his career to take the focus off yours. These people might not get the hint, but you haven’t lowered yourself to their level of disrespect," she advises.
